Holy Bulging Bikinis, Batman!

I’ve made 4 trips to the water park this summer and I’ve decided there should be some rules when it comes to swimwear. Actually, I think there should be some rules when it comes to dressing in general, but I’ll save those for another rant  post. For today I’ll stick with the swimsuit…uh…we’ll call them suggestions, not rules, just to prevent any ruffled feathers.

1.     If you wouldn’t walk through the mall in your bra and underwear, don’t wear a bikini outside. 
MC can’t understand why women don’t just wear a matching bra and underwear set to swim in. It covers the same amount (sometimes more) and is likely to be cheaper. It’s true. If I can look at you and get a pretty good idea of what you look like naked, you need more clothes. If you are wearing a bikini, you are asking (and getting) men to look at you. Fact. In my opinion, bikinis are only acceptable on those who are younger than 2 or are pregnant. I know many who won’t agree with pregnant women in a bikini but pregnant bellies are beautiful to me. Not to mention finding a maternity suit that doesn’t make you look like a beached whale is next to impossible. Although I would still ask that you keep your baby feeders properly covered.

just a means to cover the Girls. We all know that as we get older the Girls tend to lose their perkiness and head south. I DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW FAR SOUTH YOUR GIRLS HAVE TRAVELED! Especially if your bikini top has to rest on your belly button just to keep you from flashing what no one besides your husband wants to see. Harsh? Maybe. But so is sharing with the rest of the world your jiggling waist adornments. 

3.    Buy for your size!This is a pet peeve of mine, especially when I see fit young girls squeezing themselves into jeans a size or 2 too small, which then creates a muffin top on an otherwise slim body. I saw a very large woman at the waterpark in a nice bathing suit that covered what needed to be covered and fit her well. They make swimsuits that fit every body type and shape. There’s no excuse for squeezing into one that makes you look like a stuffed sausage or puts your junk on display for all to gawk at. Find one that fits! Bring an honest friend with you to the dressing room if you have to; don’t depend on the opinions of the salespeople. They want the commission; they will lie.

4.     White is not an acceptable color for swimwear.

This goes for men and women alike. I don’t care how thick your clothing is, if it’s white and wet, it’s not pretty. There’s just something about white fabric when it gets wet that allows it to highlight every bump and dimple that the good Lord gave you. I accept the fact that we all have cellulite, that doesn’t bother me. But I do prefer a little mystery as to what’s underneath that swimsuit.

5.     Just be modest.
I’m all for being confident and comfortable with your body, no matter what size you are or how much cellulite  you’ve got or hair on your chest you have. But there is a difference between being comfortable and drawing attention to features that are meant to be kept private and treasured. On a trip to Puerto Vallarta with MC the year after we got married, I wore a bikini. I was thin enough to get away with it and I figured I was in a foreign country so it was okay. I keep that photo as my motivational pic to lose weight. In fact, I look at it quite a bit while I’m eating my midnight snack of M&Ms. However, I couldn’t do that again even if I still had that body. Why? Because I’m convicted that my body belongs to my husband and he is the only one who should be seeing it in any state of undress. To be scantily clad is to draw attention and inspire thoughts in other men that should only be thought of by my husband. Men are visual creatures and will picture a woman naked when she is almost all the way there. They can’t help it. So why, mothers, do you allow your precious treasure of a daughter to prance around in a bikini that will only cause men (and boys) to think of her in lustful ways? They may never act on it but they will have that image of your sweet princess in their head. And men, wearing form fitting swim trunks that emphasize your junk, not matter what size it may be, is just gross. We are not impressed. If we are staring, it is not because we are lusting after you, it is because we can’t believe you deluded yourself into thinking that wearing tiny spandex underwear in the water was a good idea. (The same applies to Olympic swimmers–sorry.)

I realize that some of you heartily disagree with my stance on swimwear, but that’s okay. You give me and my friends plenty to look at and talk about when we are at the waterparks.